She looked at me and said “you are NOT an introvert”. This came after a couple of hours of conversation, dinner and a few drinks. She had no idea how difficult it was for me to screw up my courage and send that very first message. Or, just a couple days later, to actually type “so this is the point where I ask you out for a drink, huh?”
I talk too much. That’s my coping mechanism. Those first few meetings with new people, they all say later, “I couldn’t get a word in edgewise”. I seem positively effusive. Because I’m terrified! What if the conversation trickles to a halt? I’ll be so embarrassed I’ll never want to go out in public again.
Like everyone though, I need social interaction. Just not very much of it. I struggle with intimate relationships because I need an enormous amount of solitude. Both of my last two relationships ended because I just couldn’t keep up the daily interaction my partners needed. Once I’m in a comfortable space with someone, I talk a lot less. And they get insecure.
It doesn’t mean I don’t still love the person. In fact, in my mind, it should be a sign that I feel safe and loved. But my previous behavior leaves them thinking there’s something wrong when I’m quiet. The fact is I’m an introvert. Quiet is good. Quiet is safe.
Quiet sabotages my relationships.
Yet again, writing things out has revealed to me things I just didn’t know about myself. Maybe it’s a path you could take to understand yourself better?
Thanks for reading.