I’m no longer sure which is which.
We hurt people, every one of us. Mostly unintentionally. We all stumble through life, not really knowing how our actions affect others. There comes a time though when a little thought intrudes into our consciousness and we realize we’ve been callous and unthinking. Tonight, just such a thought came roaring into my world and I realized that I’d been completely self-absorbed and unthinking towards someone who was only trying to love the imperfect being that I am.
I’d lost my favorite hat. It was a red knit toque that a now ex-girlfriend had given me several years ago. Oddly enough, she gave it to me because she had made a mistake while knitting it and the stitches were crossed in the wrong direction. Functionally, it was perfectly okay. But she knew it was wrong and for that reason, she couldn’t bring herself to give it to the person she had knitted it for, as a Christmas gift, so she gave it to me.
I came to love that hat. It fit perfectly and was warm and snug on my head. It was one of the few things from our time together that I absolutely cherished. I can’t really say whether it was because it fit just right or because it was given to me because I was close enough to her that it didn’t matter to her that it was a little imperfect. I do know though, that when I couldn’t find it, I felt a little pang of anguish. Something I loved was gone.
I sent her a message. Not because I was looking to rekindle a long lost romance but because I thought she might like to know that there was a little something from our shared past that still meant a great deal to me. I’m beginning to believe that these sorts of itinerant little moments of connection are the most important aspects of a life well lived. We may have nothing else in common now but that hat binds us together in eternity. I kinda like the thought of that kind of connection.
I look at life now as something exceedingly short and mostly unimportant. And yet I can imagine meeting with her in some place beyond time, perhaps another life, where we could laugh together at the improbability of a simple knit hat creating a cosmic connection that makes two souls recognize each other through space and time.
Nothing is as it seems. Or maybe it is. You get to choose what you believe.
Thank you for reading.