…ming out that maybe we moved too fast, that he didn’t know what he wanted, that he was scared. That as soon as I started getting more serious and looking to the future, he got anxious that he couldn’t give our relationship the attention it needed, and he didn’t want …
Nicole, I had typed up a long response to this. My laptop just shut down and I lost it all.
He had a nineteen-year marriage that ended (for whatever reason) just four years ago. Coincidentally, my wife died just over three months after our nineteenth anniversary. An entire lifetime of plans went up in smoke. Is it any wonder we’re afraid of the future? Or maybe, we’re just afraid of making plans with someone.
I had a great marriage. I’ve got four wonderful kids. But let’s be honest, I didn’t plan any of it. My wife made the plans. We lived the life she wanted to live. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry about any of it. But that life is over. And I’m in something of a selfish place right now. And I bristle at the thought of living the life someone else has planned for me. I suspect your ex is in exactly the same place. He needs some significant time ALONE. But he probably won’t stay alone. Because he doesn’t know how to live alone. And he’ll keep doing this and he’ll keep breaking hearts until he figures it out.
Is there a chance he could come around? Sure, but it still won’t work if he’s not sure he wants the future you envision. And if that future looks just like his past, he probably doesn’t want it at all. Even if he does want you.
See, I know I want the woman I let go. But her vision of a good life is way too conventional for me now. I want life to be an adventure from here on out. It’s way too close to being over. As long as we can’t bend towards one another, the love isn’t enough to build a future. Maybe someday I’ll come around to her way of thinking, but I kinda doubt it. I’ve already lost everything she wants.