Don’t forget the fertilizer

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I’m not here to complete you. And you are not here to complete anyone else. If someone says that to you, run. It’s a difficult space to from which to extricate yourself (don’t ask me how I know).

The phrase “If you don’t have time to meditate for an hour everyday, you should meditate for two hours.” also applies to relationships. If you’re not complete then you need to take the time to complete yourself. The most attractive person in the world is the one who walks around knowing they’ve already got everything they need.

If you want a fulfilling relationship with someone then you need to be a complete person. Nobody’s expecting perfect (well some are, but you should run from them too). Emotionally healthy people are absolute prerequisites to a successful relationship.

Now that’s not to say you should dump the one you’re with right now. Then again, that’s an option too. I imagine you already know the answer. But, just because he (or you) are not fully realized people doesn’t mean you’re doomed. If you’re in a place of co-dependence some sort of change is necessary.

It’s time to step back and take stock. Love is not a light switch. Two people in a dysfunctional relationship can figure it out. It takes recognizing the situation for what it is and dealing with it. As adults. We’re all a work in progress, every single day we live.

Love grows much stronger when the soil is fertile and there’s plenty of sunlight and water. Think of yourself as the sunlight, your partner the water and the relationship as the soil. All three of the ingredients need to be present, and in the proper quantities, or growth suffers.

It starts with acceptance. Of both partner’s responsibility. To the relationship, to themselves and to each other. But especially to their own emotional health. No one can be responsible for someone else’s emotional health. That’s the codependent trap. And while people hang on to relationships like that for years, it stunts growth. For everyone involved.

Therapy might help. Maybe the relationship needs a break. Possibly, it can’t be overcome. But if someone is unhappy, the relationship is a failure. And anyone who is completing someone else will be unhappy. If you’re completing someone else, you already understand. If someone is completing you, are you even aware of the load you’re making them carry?

The relationship doesn’t have to, and most definitely should not, remain a failure. Put it in the past or fix it. Healthy people give each other room to grow and flourish. One healthy person holding the other up is like a vine, choking the life out of your tomatoes. Something will wither and die. Even if you hold it all together, neither partner is living up to their greatest potential.

Life is to short to suffer anything but joy. A lesson every single one of us will live although not everyone will learn. Take care of yourself first.

Thank you for reading.

Written by

father, motorcyclist, old retired guy who’s just a little lost on a blue marble corkscrewing its way to oblivion

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